No Holding Back
by RachieAliette
Summary: A hand slipped into his. It was hers, of course. He didn't look towards her, didn't need to to know she was there. He felt her presence beside him, felt her hand within his. For now there were no words to be spoken, no words she could say that would fill the void he felt without his brother, no words he could find to express his loss.


No Holding Back

A hand slipped into his. It was hers, of course. He didn't look towards her, didn't need to to know she was there. He felt her presence beside him, felt her hand within his. For now there were no words to be spoken, no words she could say that would fill the void he felt without his brother, no words he could find to express his loss. The walls he'd built around himself since his brother's death were strong, too strong even for her to reach him through. It was the only way he could keep the strength he needed to support his mother, by locking away his own grief and keeping it hidden. Together the couple stood, both of them silently looking at the photos, the letters and flowers on the bench before them. With her hand in his he felt his own strength begin to fall away, slowly becoming replaced by a different kind of strength, a strength he took from her, his fiancée.

His gaze fell upon a photo of his brother laughing with his mates; Keegan, Louise and Bex. In that moment which the snapshot had captured the four of them were so full of life, so full of happiness as all teenagers should be. He had to look away. 'How did this happen, Dee?' He broke the silence between them with words that were little more than a sigh. 'How did that night end up like this?' He felt her fingers curl between his as she remained stood silently beside him, letting him speak, letting him ask questions they both knew she couldn't answer. 'We were right here.' She closed her eyes as he spoke. 'I...' He began before taking a slow, deep breath to compose himself. Denise looked across at him as he faltered. 'Kush, this is not your fault.'

As she spoke he exhaled the deep breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. 'I know.' He spoke with an almost inaudible whisper. 'I just keep thinking about where he was when we were here, if he knew we were there or...' He spoke slowly, his gaze falling back to the bench. 'He must've been in so much pain.' Beside him Denise reached across to place her hand against the side of his face, slowly drawing him to face her. 'What happened was horrific.' She spoke softly, her thumb running against his cheek. 'That gang, their culture, it...' She paused, searching for the right word before settling simply with; 'it's twisted.' He let her catch his gaze, seeing for the first time the tears held within her eyes that matched those within his own. 'But, you can't blame yourself for what they did.'

He felt a tear escape from the corner of his eye and quickly pushed it away with the back of his hand. It was as though it had never been there at all. Still his hand clung to hers but as he turned from her she felt those walls she'd been trying to bring down being put back between them, shutting her out. He didn't know how to let her in without everything else crumbling down with it. She closed her eyes momentarily to compose herself, feeling his fingers moving against hers. 'I know what it's like to have someone taken from you like this.' She told him softly, following his gaze back towards the bench. 'Kush...' She gently drew his attention back to her. 'Darling, if I can make this even just a little bit more bearable for you, I will.' He reached across to push her hair away from her face. 'You do.' He whispered, knowing she did just by being there.

Denise held his gaze for a moment, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as he pulled her close. She felt his shaky breaths fall against her neck as he struggled with keeping his composure and softly kissed his cheek. 'I know everyone's saying you have to be strong for your Mum, but...' She felt him pull away from their hug a little to rest his forehead against hers. 'You don't have to be strong for me.' She whispered to him, her hands placed on each of his shoulders. She felt the light sigh he emitted fall against her lips, felt him kiss her forehead. Pulling away from her embrace he found her hand, curling his fingers around hers as they began to head for the flat.

When they reached the top of the stairs, Carmel was just rushing down. 'Mum?' Kush called after her. 'I need to see Karen.' She called without looking back, disappearing out the door before Kush or Denise could try and stop her. Denise placed her hand on Kush's arm. 'She'll be ok.' She said with more certainty than she felt. Following Denise into the living room Kush sat on the sofa, picking up an old framed photo of Shakil his Mum must've found. 'Do you want a coffee?' Denise asked, sitting on the arm of the sofa beside him. 'No, all I've done these last few days is make coffee.' He replied, looking at the photo in his hands. He felt Denise put her arm around his shoulder, felt her head resting on his. 'We should be finding old photos like to this embarrass him with on his 18th not for his...' Kush said, his words falling away to nothing, the last word unable to be spoken at all.

Kush placed the photo aside and snaked his arm around Denise, pulling her into his lap. He nestled his head into her neck. 'I miss him so much, Dee.' He mumbled letting his eyes fall closed. Alone with her in the comfort of his flat he didn't attempt to hide his true feelings anymore. Everything he'd kept locked away since that night slowly began to tumble out and with it his tears began to fall. 'And, y'know...' He tried to say. 'I think about how scared... he must've been, and I wish...' He spoke slowly, his words staggered with emotion. 'I wish I'd been there.' He took a few shaky breaths. 'Because, even if I couldn't have saved him, he wouldn't have been alone.' He sobbed as Denise held him, silent tears falling down her own cheeks.

After a while Kush's tears began to subside though he didn't move away from Denise, remaining as he was nestled against her. He felt her move her hand, vaguely wiping her own cheeks before she ran her hand over his shoulder. The silence which had fallen between them became softer, each of them comforted by the other's presence.

Naturally Kush's thoughts returned to his mother, so lost without her youngest son. 'I hope Mum's ok.' He softly sighed, gently pulling away from Denise and wiping away his own tears. 'I feel so...' He tried to explain it but couldn't. 'Helpless.' He settled for, resting his head against Denise's as she leant close to him. She slipped her fingers between his to link his hand with hers. 'There must be something we can do for her.' He said, his thumb running over Denise's fingers. 'Maybe we could get a tree, plant it with Zaair's.' She gently suggested. He kissed her temple, realising how much it meant to him for her to recognise that he too had lost a son, almost three years ago. 'Just with family, when Darius gets back.' She caught his eye when she spoke and he noticed the smudges of makeup where her tears had been. A faint smile slowly crossed over his lips. 'I think she'd like that.'


End file.
